I’m truly sorry for your loss. I know how devastating losing your spouse is: I have seen how difficult it has been for my mum and my clients who have lost their partners. My heart grieves with you and all of us who have experienced deep grief.
If you are suffering from grief following the death of your partner, it may be helpful to know that specialist bereavement therapy can provide support during this overwhelming time.
Clients often express a desire to understand what is considered 'normal' following the loss of a spouse or partner, as well as how therapy can support them during this difficult time. In the following discussion, I aim to provide insights that may offer reassurance and address these inquiries. It is important to note that there is no universal definition of 'normal,' and part of the therapeutic process involves navigating individual healing journeys. However, there are common experiences that many clients tend to encounter.
How Can Therapy Help Me?
Provides a Safe Space to Grieve
Therapy gives you a confidential place to express your feelings, no matter how complex or difficult they may seem.
Helps You Process Sudden Loss
Sudden loss, like losing a spouse unexpectedly, can leave you in shock. Therapy can help you begin to process the shock and confusion.
Offers Emotional Support
A bereavement counsellor can offer compassionate, non-judgmental support, helping you feel less alone in your grief.
Teaches Coping Strategies
Bereavement therapy can provide coping tools to help manage the overwhelming emotions, including sadness, guilt, or anger.
Helps You Understand Grief
Therapy can help you understand the stages and different expressions of grief, giving you insight into your emotional journey.
Supports Long-Term Healing
Therapy isn’t just for immediate support but can help you work through grief over time, focusing on acceptance and rebuilding life.
Guides You Through Physical Symptoms of Grief
Grief often has physical manifestations, such as fatigue, headaches, or trouble sleeping. Therapy can help address these symptoms by managing stress and emotions.
Navigating Loneliness
Many people find that therapy helps them cope with the intense loneliness after a spousal loss, offering them a very safe way to reconnect with others and feel less isolated.
Managing Guilt and Regret
Therapy provides a space to process feelings of guilt or regret, which are common after the sudden loss of a loved one, especially if things were left unsaid. Many say this is often easier with a professional stranger who they know won't judge.
Honouring the Memory of a Loved One
Therapy often helps individuals continue their bond with their spouse in healthy ways, such as through talking through how to create memory rituals or talking through cherished shared experiences. Sometimes people do not want to 'keep on' but they feel it is safe to do this no matter how long ago a loss of their spouse is.
Finding Purpose Again
Some people report that therapy helped them begin to find meaning in life again, helping them navigate the significant life changes and uncertainty and recreate the 'me without we' finding their own values, without their partner, as these often evolve post a significant loss and can leave people reporting that they 'don't know who they are any more'.
Getting Through Daily Routines
Many find that therapy assists with adapting to daily routines, which often change drastically after the loss of a spouse. Having the weekly routine of a counselling session is a first step to establishing daily routines.
Recognising Personal Strength
Bereavement therapy can help you recognise the strength and resilience you’re building as you navigate this difficult journey.
Here is a bereavement framework I have developed for working with clients with grief which we adapt together to meet your needs but this summarises the sorts of things that can be covered in our sessions. Usually clients will need around 8 sessions, sometimes longer if there are complex issues related such as traumatic loss, bereaved by suicide or deep regrets.
What Is ‘Normal’ as I Feel My Experiences Are So Overwhelming?
Intense Emotions Are Normal
Feeling overwhelmed by waves of sadness, anger, confusion, or even numbness is normal. Grief is non-linear, and emotions may change rapidly. Being surprised by your roller coaster is also normal. Feeling your experience is not normal is actually very common and therefore quite a normal response to feeling derailed.
Physical Symptoms Are Common
Many people experience physical symptoms such as exhaustion, changes in appetite, insomnia, poor memory, distractedness and muscle tension as a result of grief.
Social Withdrawal Can Be Expected
It’s common to feel like isolating yourself. Therapy can help you navigate the balance between taking time for yourself and seeking support when needed. Being too isolated, though a normal response, can be unhelpful to processing grief. Counselling can help keep you connected without making demands of you.
Cognitive Overload Happens
You might experience forgetfulness or confusion—this “grief fog” is a natural reaction to loss and can be discussed in therapy to find ways to manage it.
Experiencing Sudden Triggers Is Typical
Everyday reminders of your spouse can trigger intense emotions. This is a normal part of grieving, and therapy can help you develop coping strategies to help you manage these and to be less overwhelmed when they come.
Feeling Numb or Disconnected
Some people report feeling emotionally numb or disconnected from reality, which is normal and often a protective response to overwhelming grief, especially in the early days post loss.
Grief Comes in Waves
There will be moments of intense grief followed by times when you feel more stable. This fluctuation is part of the natural grieving process. It can be unnerving but it is as a result of being more open to allowing grief and then closing it down again. Counselling can explain what researchers know about this and help to 'normalise' your experience so you can feel less alarmed by the 'one step forward, 10 steps back' feeling.
Shock and Disbelief
Even weeks or months after the loss, it’s normal to still feel shocked or in disbelief that your spouse is gone. Many still can't believe their partner has died and think they will walk in. Disbelief can still be present for months and years as the loss is so deep.
Deep Sadness and Yearning
Feelings of deep sadness and longing to see or speak to your spouse are normal parts of bereavement, especially in the early months. This is one of the most painful parts of a loss for many. Counselling can teach you some self-care and self-comfort strategies and ways to connect to your loved one through the 'continuing bonds' strategies of place, memory work and so on.
Anger and Frustration
You may feel anger at the suddenness of the loss, at life, or even towards your spouse for leaving. This is a common but challenging emotion that therapy can help you explore.
Fear and Anxiety
Losing a spouse can bring a sense of fear or anxiety about the future, particularly around financial or life changes. It can also trigger a fear of losing other loved ones.
Relief Followed by Guilt
You might experience feelings of relief, especially if your spouse was suffering, followed by guilt. Therapy can help you process these conflicting emotions without judgment.
Moments of Peace and Joy
You may experience brief moments of peace or even happiness, especially when remembering special times with your spouse. This doesn’t mean you’ve stopped grieving, and therapy can help normalise these moments. Some clients say they are 'more happy' than usual or 'less sad' as their grief is still present but a recognition that small relief is possible is helpful to know it is allowed for you to find relief.
Confusion About Identity
The loss of a spouse often leads to a sense of lost identity or purpose, as many people define their life through the relationship. Therapy can support you in rediscovering your individual identity.
I hope this has been helpful and again I am truly sorry you have experienced your loss. I am here to support you as a specialist bereavement counsellor if you would like to work with a counsellor. You can contact me via mymindfulcounsellor@gmail.com or call 07843544009.
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